No matter what you see on the outside, the picket fence and bright flowers.
You have no idea what it’s like on the inside, awake on every passing hour.

Darkness creeps even closer. The light is being shut out. 
I would hide inside myself but it’s an even darker place full of voices and self-doubts.

There’s no feeling of losing control, as I lost that luxury some time ago. 
I’m too tired to cry, too tried to crawl and so I sit in my cradled ball and watch the shadows fall.

You see the smiles, the paintings of laughter. 
I see a bottomless pit while my world spins faster.

I wish I could run far away 
and that everyone would just fade away.

I can’t leave, wish I could. I can’t run from my fears.
You won’t hear my silent screams and you’re blind to my invisible tears.

If only you could step into my shoes, for just one day.
Feel the knives that claw and see my darkness that washes light away.

Even then you couldn’t – wouldn’t understand.
When you take off my shoes, your mood will vanish and life goes back to being grand.

 

black

 

 

Chester Bennington, the front man for Linkin Park, business guru, husband and father of six, took his own life on June 20th, 2017.

Many are asking, what would make a person who has that life, fame, fortune, love and talent like that take his own life. His suicide has rocked not just the music world but fans globally are mourning the loss of this amazing, soft-spoken warm-hearted man.

Chester was just one of millions of people of all ages, sex and creed that suffer from depression.

Sadly creative people, writers, musicians, actors, singers, artists are more prone to suffer from depression. If you know anyone, and author, a singer, ask if they get depressed? Ask if they suffer from depression. You will be shocked by the results.

I have suffered from depression since I was a teen. I have been on antidepressants seen therapists and yes, even felt suicidal.

I understand how he felt inside and why he did what he did. It wouldn’t have mattered if he had family and friends watching him and showering him love. It was never about outside forces.
It was the demons in his head telling him he was worthless, that no one cared and how much better off his family would be without him. When your mind tells you this, you believe it. You believe the lies and your whole emotional state changes because of what your mind is telling you.

 

And if you are one of the lucky ones and you step out of that darkness. You wonder why how you could ever feel that way. And then you go back to life’s routine until it hits again, and again and again. But know this – from wanting to end your life and then actually doing it, can take but minutes seconds and then it’s over!

Depression is caused by a unbalancing of chemicals in the brain. Trigger that with the past and present traumas or stress and you have a time bomb.  Chester was always open about his battle with depression. He screamed his anger in his songs and his darkness and how he felt on the inside came out in the words. And we the fans loved him for it. Because we understood, we resonated with his lyrics. Being alone, being bullied, feeling like you were invisible, and mental and physical abuse. He was never ashamed and spoke openly about his depression and wanting to end it all.

I truly feel his music has helped and probably saved lives because they knew they were no longer alone.

Sadly, nothing could have prevented the inevitable. the suffocation and despair were too much for Chester, and for many others.

I am having a bad time of late and you would think that anyone who was taking three lots of antidepressant would be on a high, rather than a low, but I’m not.  I have a chronic illness and I need a cocktail of drugs just to get my arse out of bed and plant that smile on my face. I’m struggling to get through every day while the voices in my head keep knocking me back down.  I tear up at everything that makes me feel emotion.

A person only has so much strength and right now I’m feeling really weak.

 

 

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